There is something I need to tell you

I am an ESOL tutor. Okay there I said it. Dramatic, huh?

Here's the thing. Because I have had such a hard time finding employment I was starting to feel like a hermit. I also felt pretty useless. So one day last year in the library I saw a card that said there was a need for volunteer Adult Education tutors. So I took one and called the number. They taught people who were going for their GEDs and people who needed to learn English. I was a language major. I had taught in another voluntary ESOL program years ago in another city. So I figured I'd give ESOL a try. It'd give me something to do.

Okay it took until that ICE raid in town a couple months back for me to find out that maybe some of the people in this class weren't here legally, which was a shock to me. Why was I shocked? Well, because this program is actually part of the city's school system. Meaning it's governed by the school department, meaning it's funded by taxes and therefore should be very official. On top of all that in order for me to volunteer in this program I had to allow them to do background checks on me, and I had to fill out an application and provide references just like I would for a real job and I had to get it all signed by a notary public. So I assumed that the people in the classes would have had to show some sort of identification to get these free classes (free for them not the taxpayers). No that's not the case. And I didn't even think to ask that question until a few days after the raid, when in the break room, the other volunteers were blasting anyone who didn't feel terrible about what had happened to "those poor people". Basically they were saying nasty things about people like me, because they assumed everyone there had the same views as them.

So when I found this out I was conflicted, because it didn't necessarily mean that anyone I was helping was illegal, however a big part of me thought "Quit!". But because I figured that the program was set up for decent people who do belong here legally even if I'm helping only one person who actually deserves my help, then it's okay. And two of the 3 people that I'm assigned to are Puerto Rican so I don't have to worry about them. (I think?) Anyway, I've still been going and I've still been helping but it's lost it's luster. I help in the computer room and mostly with conversation with those 3 people. In the computer room, I'm pretty much treated like a waitress in a busy restaurant. I'll get waived at and snapped fingers at and they laugh because it's so funny. And the way I am, a diligent worker, I feel like I've already been taken advantage of far too much by the staff. So I'm not humoring any of the crap anymore. I'm really not. My intention is to fulfill my commitment for the year and that's it.

But the question is: does being in this situation with these people make me feel for their plight? Actually it does not. One of the people I tutor pretty much led me to believe that she's not here legally, yesterday. Which seems silly to me because she's from a place, like Europe, that isn't that bad. But she's in a precarious position and I understand that. She's stuck in a way. But the thing that bothers me is that I'm in this position now. I feel like Vinny Terranova. I went into something totally structured that seemed uberofficial, but is basically a way for former hippies to circumvent the law again. (The hippies became teachers to further their BS, in case anyone didn't realize.) Well they are the same ones who are pushing for all this immigration reform garbage. And I got caught in their snare. They wouldn't be in a position to deal with this stuff, because these illegals aren't going to tell them a thing. But because we tutors don't seem as official as the teachers and our major charge is to have conversations with these people, they think we're their psychiatrists, priests, or worse yet, friends. What's wrong with you people? Don't trust me. You don't know me. And the part of me that wants to strike out is also the part of me that is being insulted because everyone just gets to assume what I think and what I feel. That's not very smart is it? If I can't trust any of these people, how dumb is it for them to trust me?

All day yesterday and when I woke this morning I was preturbed. I just have a "How dare they?!" thought rolling and rolling around in my mind. I pour the water for my tea and it's "how dare they?" I sit down and turn on the computer and it's "how dare they?". I'm festering again. Makes you just want to rat on everyone doesn't it?